


Tis Better

by DGCatAniSiri



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Could be pre-Male Warden/Alistair if you want it to, Gen, Past Male Mahariel/Tamlen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 08:31:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9064276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DGCatAniSiri/pseuds/DGCatAniSiri
Summary: Zayn Mahariel struggles to accept having had to kill Tamlen.





	

The dagger in his hand was still stained with blood.

With Tamlen’s blood.

Zayn couldn’t seem to let go of it. 

Staring at it, however, also meant he didn’t have to stare at the body where that blood had come from. 

He felt a pair of hands moving him away from the site of the fight, but he wasn’t really aware of them. It wasn’t until those same hands pulled the dagger out of his hand that Zayn realized that Alistair had moved him to his tent, sitting him down on the bedroll. Almost immediately, Zayn curled up as best he could, wrapping his hands around his legs.

It was hard to hide movement like that, and Alistair immediately moved in front of him, dropping himself to Zayn’s current level. “Zayn. Maker’s breath, I was worried that you... What happened? Can you... Can you tell me? Can you speak?”

It took a few moments for Alistair’s words to penetrate the haze of Zayn’s mind. He understood the question, but he couldn’t think of how to even respond. So he just shook his head.

Alistair seemed to fumble for a moment. “Right. Okay. So... I don’t... I don’t know what you need, or how to help, but... I’m here. I’ll be here for... for whatever you need.” Zayn could hear Alistair’s panic in his voice, despite the other Warden’s best effort to keep it under control. He was definitely out of his element at trying to comfort his fellow Warden. He looked to Zayn with an almost pleading look. “I don’t know what you need, but I’m here,” he repeated.

It was probably the best thing he could say. Given the small space of the tent – Zayn had a brief flash of someone, probably Alistair, suggesting moving camp, and yet they were in a tent, a momentarily confusing realization – Alistair couldn’t really move much and give Zayn any more space than he already had, but just the fact that they were out of the open, not where the others could see them was already a relief.

Zayn struggled to remember how to use words. He ended up swallowing a few attempts, though some part of him recognized with relief that he hadn’t opened his mouth and choked on the words, something that would make him look like a gasping fish. “I... Tamlen?” They were words, at the least.

And Alistair, for all Morrigan’s insults about his intelligence, seemed to understand what he was saying with just that little bit. “Zevran and Leliana said... they’d remove the body. The others are preparing to move camp, but... I thought you needed some time alone.”

“Thank you.” While Zayn wanted to give Tamlen a proper farewell, he doubted he could get through any of the traditional words while looking at his body. At least now he knew that Tamlen’s spirit was truly in the Beyond.

Because he’d killed him. 

“I... I killed Tamlen,” Zayn couldn’t have stopped the words had he tried. “I killed him.”

That, at least, was something that Alistair could respond to. “No. No, what you killed... Your friend... Tamlen was already dead. The darkspawn, they’re the ones who killed him. You... You did him a favor. You set him free.” He placed his hands on Zayn’s shoulders, making sure that the Dalish Warden was looking him in the eyes. “The darkspawn killed him. You just made sure that they couldn’t use him to hurt anyone else.” 

Alistair’s words made sense. They were completely reasonable. There was a list of reasons as to why he was not responsible for what had happened to Tamlen that began with just what he’d said.

But that didn’t lessen Zayn’s feeling, down to his very gut and bones, that he had killed Tamlen.

He remembered the mirror in the ruins. Even though he’d tried to warn Tamlen away from it, persuade him that they should go back for the Keeper, turn away from the song, Zayn had felt that same pull, heard the same call. Now that he was a Grey Warden, he understood what that was, but then... It had only been the fact that he’d often acted as the voice of reason when Tamlen had gotten particularly adventurous that had kept him a few steps back.

That wasn’t the most painful memory, though. 

The real pain came when he remembered the night before that, when they’d made love under the stars, promising themselves to each other, intending to tell the Keeper the next day. They’d been distracted by the humans who’d revealed the existence of the ruins, and then... then Tamlen had been gone. 

He and Tamlen had promised to be together. To always walk the same path, side by side. 

And now... Now, it was like losing him all over again. Worse, even, as Tamlen’s blood stained his hands. 

Then Alistair was pulling him back into the moment. “Zayn? Zayn, you need to say it, alright? I need to hear you say it. The darkspawn killed Tamlen. They killed him. Not you.”

Zayn shook his head. “I... I can’t. Alistair. I... I’m the one who killed him. He drew his last breath... because of me.” That was the moment that he could no longer hold back any of the tears, the ones that he’d never been able to shed for Tamlen. He collapsed against Alistair, choked sobs the only sound he could make.

***

Zayn awoke in the back of a moving cart, straw the closest thing he had to a pillow. Confusion drove him to pull himself up.

“Alistair! He’s awake!” called someone – Leliana, he realized belatedly. The shout caused the cart to slow to a stop and Alistair climbed in back with Zayn. There was a muttering up front, something about the weight in the cart being too much.

Alistair’s features were clouded with concern. “How are you feeling?”

“I... You should probably ask me that when I don’t have the worst headache I’ve had since the Joining,” Zayn muttered. “I...” Memories began to hit him – the ghouls, the appearance of Tamlen... Tamlen’s blood.

Before he could slip into that pit of emotions again, Alistair’s hand was on his shoulder. “It’s going to be alright, you know.” He spoke with understanding, with sympathy. Zayn could almost believe it.

“We... Tamlen and I had promised ourselves to each other. It... Dalish marriage, effectively.” He didn’t particularly want to get into the details of his people’s traditions and rituals right now. At Alistair’s understanding nod, he continued. “Right before... he disappeared, we’d sworn that... wherever the Creators took us, we’d walk that path together. Duncan... I hated him for making me leave without... without finding out what happened to Tamlen. Because... I didn’t want to move on without him. I... I think that... had he not dragged me to Ostagar, I would have just...” Zayn let out a bitter laugh. “Right before I left, Ashalle, the woman who raised me, told me that my father had been killed, and... after giving birth to me, my mother just... went into the forest, and never came out. I... I might have done the same without Duncan conscripting me.” Zayn slumped. “I thought... I thought I’d mourned and accepted him... being dead. And then it turns out that he...” He drew a shuddering breath. “How do you... How do you make yourself go through that whole process all over again? Knowing that, just when you were getting ready to move on with your life the last time, it turns out you were wrong to mourn him when you did?”

For a long moment, Alistair was quiet. Likely, he was silencing the first reaction of ‘well, this time you know he’s dead.’ That wouldn’t have been a help at all. “I don’t know if there’s... anything that can make it seem right. You loved him, and then... Then you lost him. Twice. I could sit here, offer you platitudes, the ‘you knew how he felt, you remember the good, you helped free him from the darkspawn’s corruption...’ All of those, but... I don’t think you’ll appreciate that either.”

“Not even a little bit.”

“The best I can offer you is that... I heard what... what he said before... You had a chance to hear him say how he felt. There... There weren’t things you wanted... that you needed to say that didn’t get said.”

Zayn hadn’t given that much thought. Tamlen had told him that he loved him right before he’d lost himself to the darkspawn ‘song,’ as he’d called it. And Zayn had... had tried to get through to him, wanted to save him, cure him, spare him this infection of his blood. Had it been possible, he’d have attempted the Joining, just to try and save him. 

Tamlen knew. And he’d answered in kind, as best he could.

It wasn’t what Zayn had wanted, by any means. But... It helped to set his soul at ease. That could be enough, for now.

“Thank you, Alistair. I hadn’t thought of it like that.” He managed to summon a smile for the other Warden, the only way he could express that, while he wasn’t better, he could see that it would happen.

Alistair returned the smile. “That’s what I’m here for. Besides, you’ve been there for me about Duncan. It’s... it’s obviously not the same, but... I’m here for you, like you’ve been here for me.”

“If you’re kindly finished,” came a voice that broke the quiet moment between them, “the darkspawn found our camp once, and the longer we remain, the more likely they will return. And the cart will not pull with such weight in it.” Morrigan gave no indication of how long she’d stood there, waiting, though, was it Zayn’s imagination or was there a glimmer of understanding in her gaze, one quickly hidden by her typical standoffish attitude.

Pulling back and moving to get out of the cart. “Right, I suppose we should get a move on, shouldn’t we? Before the darkspawn come back, I mean.”

Morrigan simply harrumphed, then pulled out a small plate from... somewhere – Zayn had no idea where she could hide anything, and yet she pulled it out like... Well, like magic. “Here. You slept through breakfast. Wynne believed you should have something to maintain your strength.”

“I... Thank you, Morrigan.” Zayn accepted the plate, and intended to eat quickly.

There was an archdemon to slay. And he fully intended to deliver the killing blow himself.

For Tamlen. And the path they were no longer able to walk.

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously, what's with barely getting any kind of opportunity to react to Tamlen's appearance? This is kind of a traumatic event for Mahariel!


End file.
